Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140517-1707a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales.

"Hoo, What a S__!", the headline. In my kitchen, where Little Lloyd __ and myself are sat at my kitchen table. Unfortunately we've had to close the window. Uh ... it's very very hot, but __ __ close all the windows because somebody is, uh, using an a__ g__ or something in the garden next door. / It's a very high-powered lawn m__. / very high-powered lawnm__ or something. And, uh, it's very very noisy, so / close the window. Anyway, never mind __ producer of the show just said, uh, during the News, he said, "Hi, Rhod, hi, Lloyd, we said Hi, / got anything to put on twitter to get, uh, to get the juices flowing, to get the p__ / stick something up and maybe, uh, generate some content, early __, ... uh ... no. / Nothing. / "Nothing" was the answer. / __ / absolutely nothing. / I came up with an idea that you instantly ridiculed. / You ... your idea was ... what was your idea? / "What are you doing in the sunshine?" / Oh yeah. That was your idea. Let's dig it up. Let's do it. We've got nothing else, mate. "What are you doing in the sunshine?" / "How are you spending this glorious day?" / Yeah. "How are you spending this glorious day?" is today's first feature.

It is ... I'll tell you what people're gonna be doing today. / B__, mate. / I've got b__ tip. / Have you ... __ __ me have a look at it / during the next song. / __ __ quick examination / No, you know, / what do you mean by "b__ tip"? I mean, I ... I have been doing my "Work Experience" this week, and I've been in vets in Newport, and I've come across a lot of problems, a lot of ailments ... / Yeah? / but, you know, and I'm 45 years old, but I've never come across anyone with b__ tip / a piece of advice / people who are hosting a b__ / Oh, / a piece of advice for people who are hosting b__? I thought you meant you __ ... you were suffering from __ b__ tip / No. / which, uh ... / mind boggles / __ __ side and p__ in the middle / that's what it is, is it? / No. Always, always start your b__ ... / Oh, hang on a minute. Here it comes. __ __ b__ tip, yeah. / Always start your b__ much earlier than you think you should. It takes a lot longer, a b__ / is a good tip. I remember the last time we had a b__ together. That took a long time. / Yeah, it did, because you hadn't assembled the b__. ... You called me ... you invited me on for b__, and I came round, and you said, "Go get some food, and build the b__." / Did you have to buy the food as well? / Yeah. / and then you built the b__? / yes / and then I didn't have enough time to eat, __ __ go. / This is where your b__ tip comes from? / Yes. / all in preparation / all ... yeah. / well ... / always takes longer / I'll have you know that, that day, I b__ed until 1 a.m., non-stop, I did 13 hours b__ing / __ __ __ awful ... that's a little c__ of comfort to me, __ __ __ all morning. / It was raining for the last five hours of it. I was b__ing. ... Don't do this at home. I was very foolishly b__ing pretty much in the shed. I did have the door open __ don't do that. Do not b__ indoors. / No. / It's very, very, very dangerous. That's my b__ tip. / __ __n't it just common sense? / It's not. I just ... I didn't think. ... It was raining, so I took it slightly into the shed, and, uh ... / I just went over ... / I just went to, uh, wash my hands in your sink, your sink was full of wafer-thin ham. / The sink is full ham. I have no idea why. It's like the young ones in here, "Go wash your hands __ four slices of ham __ __ floated around in the sink. ... Anyway, b__. Oh, I'll tell you __ __ do you know what I was gonna ask you? / What? What am I doing tomorrow? / No. / Have I got any time to __ __ build a b__? / You're so close. I bought a picnic bench. / Huh? / You've seen that ... seen that massive thing in a box / you just passed when you came in? It's a picnick bench. It's like a pub picnic bench. You know, / with a table and benches / Oh, OK, yeah. / I do need to assemble it. / Well, how ... I'm not doing that. / No, no, help me do it today. ... This is kind of ... this isn't really radio now. This is just two __ __ __ chat.

Your feather's taken of on twitter, uh, Mr. Lloyd __. / I thought ... I thought it might. / @rhodgilbertshow / look at this. "What / today so far. / there's no sun here / Scotland / we've got rain." Here we are, __ taken off. Yeah. / is buzzing, eh, b__ b__. ... A phone call from Jack in Cardiff. / __ __ / I find ... I'm always curious ... I could see, you know, I can just about see why somebody would text __ radio show. I can see why somebody would, sort of, tweet or facebook __ radio show 'cause that's very low investment / quick thing / a bit more / email / possibly see / doing it. ... This is a phone call. Jack has phoned in. ... __ __ pick up the phone / you are encouraging people to phone in. You shouldn't ... / no, I'm not / well, you are giving them the number, yeah / I'm giving them the number / I'm c__ obliged. I didn't think anybody would actually ring it. / Well, Jack has. / Jack has / wait / b__, b__ / Radio Wales, b__, b__ ... Hello, Radio Wales, Rhod Gilbert show, __, this is what he said ... "On this sunny day, I'm watching a dog trying to lick a huge rock." / OK. Thanks. / is that it, Jack? / thanks. Bye bye now / Jack / rang / dog / trying lick a huge rock. Thanks, Jack. Do call again. / I don't even ... I ... I need more information. Why ... what dog? / I don't know / which rock / got to ring again. ... Oh, apparently there's a picture as well. He / he's sent a picture through of the dog licking a huge rock. So, you, Lloyd, your curiousity will be s__. / that's a rare occurence, isn't it, dog licking a massive rock. I think that's worth a phone call. / It's not worth a phone call, mate. __ it's not ... even if it is rare ... some rare occurences, I admit, are worth a phone call / like an e__? / like an e__ or a red kite landed here in our garden and started having a fight with a ... I don't know, a crow or something. That would be worth a phone call / your own show? / not to the show, not necessarily / ring somebody / have texted, to be honest. / I might ring somebody. But some rare occurrences are rare, but not necessarily that interesting, like a dog licking a rock. ... I would argue it's rare, but not interesting. / Maybe it's another dog shaped like a rock / a grey, fat dog / mistaken / massive rock for another dog / ring / You are right. You are absolutely right, Lloyd. ... / says, uh, you can see the picture of the dog licking the rock. ... If it's come to that ... if your life has come to this, you wanna go / twitter feed / have a look at the dog / some people will. Some people / do you know what? / Why not? / only started yet.

"Hi, Rhod and Lloyd. I'm sat inside / I can't receive Radio Wales / inside the house / I can't receive / Radio Wales / in my garden." I'm sure you can / Radio Wales / outside / maybe they live / on the borders / and the garden is in England. / signal in / digital radio / still get / listen, mate, half of our listeners / in S__, Dubai / monk living in / in China / in your garden / he's in a peak district. / Buy the extension lead. / Buy the extension ... / shout, Lloyd / you think she's out in the garden / gone to the garden / is it worth me hanging / until 1 pm, or should I just download the podcast later? / is that a producer? / Uh ... "An animal-based quiz will sway my decision" says C__ in the very hot sunny peak district. I don't know if that means / you want / or you don't want / I haven't got, uh ... / small quiz / Is it based on animals? / might be. / Bzzz. Let's have it. ... OK. Animal Quiz. / Right / possible animal quiz / A swimming pool was evacuated in T__ D__ recently. But why, Rhod, why? Give you a clue. An animal was involved. / Huh. A swimming pool in T__ D__ was evacuated ... / Yes. / OK. / three questions here. / Yeah, if you want. / just invented these rules as __ __ ... Was the swimming pool ... (A) ... it's multiple choice __ first question / a public bath? (B) a private domestic arrangement? (C) a hotel? (D) leasure center / __, I think it was a public bath / public bath? / Yeah. / as opposed to l__ center? / Yeah. / right / an animal was involved? / Yes. / Did, eh ... I know this. / You don't. / It's a dolphine, innit? / No. ... A dolphine? / It swam up through ... like the ... / through the water intake? / came up through the filter / bottom. / tiny / dolphine, yeah, like, uh, seahorse-sized ... dolphine. / Why ... / sea lion / there / No. / Shark? / No. / Humpback whale. A humpback whale got in. / No, no / or / give you a clue / I know / somebody / I know what it is / been for one of those foot spas / little / nibble off his skin / sock on too fast / one of them got trapped in the sock / sucked / pool / came out / nibbled away everyone's skin / It's a piranah, innit? / It's a dog, innit? / cat went to a toilet, innit? / not / elephant sat, innit? / horse / know the answer? / really some of these. / guesses / squ__ / finger / really? / yeah / leapt in the pool? / leapt in the pool, straight / They can't swim, s__s, can they? / I think they / cried for help / what / in the first place? / evacuated / s__s leapt in / tell you what. It's no quiz / good question / I've got a quiz lined up after if you want / as well. / in the mood / Right then / now. / you know, uh, Miss England, the competition? / I know. I'm aware of __ competition, Miss England / well / mixing things up a bit. / Yeah? / talk about / we think about / competition / dreadful / OK / that done / this year's Miss England contest / also be judged / brains / as well as their bikinis. / what's the point of that? / bikini / a mild concession to the 21st century. / OK. Let's, uh ... / questions / I'm not gonna win anyway, Lloyd / 46 / well / eight questions / six, then you're automatically guaranteed into the group stages / let me / up / yeah / get what? I've gotta get six / six of the eight / group stages of Miss England? / Yes. / and, if they don't let me in, I can, uh, file / sexual discrimination / Welsh man, we'll cover that up / grand / fair enough / exact / I've got a grandparent / how many children does the Queen have? / don't care. / Correct. / don't care / bikini / sorry, I was just __ing. / how many / what / Uh, five. / Correct. / what is 10% of 2,014 pounds? / 201.40 / what / yeah / what colors / semi-finals. We / group / going / fingers crossed / Blackpool / what colors are the O__ rings? / probably / reason / Red, / Yep. / yellow / y__ / blue / Yep. / white / Nope. ... White? / background, would it? / background's white. / red, blue, yellow, / Yeah. / green? / Yes. / there's only one left / color / absense of light / black, innit? / thought it was / what is the name of the eight-sided shape? / Octagon. / Correct. / I'm going to ... T__ / who is the mayor of London / get my ... get my bikini / since last summer. / Who is the mayor of London? / I'm not sure / in that / put / weight. / The mayor / who's the mayor of London / not any previous mayor. / correct / Boris Jonson / I cannot believe / question / which continent / England / is England? / Yes. / Europe. / Correct. / what colors make up the flag / St. George / tell you right now / I've made already / regardless of / I've made / group stages / could be a perfect / more / Is that it? / Yeah. / questions / how many kids / gotta go / Miss England / Prince Charles ... / I could ... do you know what? If I'm honest, I don't understand the whole / really / what / there's Charles / Charles, Andrew, Edward / couple of / few / somebody / one of them just / sister / Jeff? Is there a Jeff? ... Is there / seven out of eight / not bad, though, is it? / little / going / T__ for the group stages / see you there, girls.

Lloyd __ is, uh, here. This / welcome back, Lloyd / thank you / I've got a quiz for you / I thought / talking about / food quiz / I know / quiz-central today / thing is / everywhere / everywhere I turn / Oh yeah, you did say, last time / on the show / stuff / avoid / you felt almost like she was stalking you / look down / my food quiz / big picture of M__ B__ / top / What? / scratch / you sure? / yeah / if you ... if you have / the only way to overcome / could be a brave boy, you / yeah / confront the fears of M__ B__ / yeah / ok / afraid / I understand the principle / I understand the principle. / hand / food quiz. I start off / straight in / "Have you ever wondered ...", it says here / what / personal preferences are, in terms of cake / I want you to name three of M__ B__'s five favorite cakes / Question 1. / right / M__ B__'s five favorite cakes / Upside-down cake? / No. / Does trifle count? / course / even / Jack said "No". It doesn't / tell you what she loves, Mary B__ / carrot cake / you can say as confidently as you like, but she doesn't love / even in the top five / she's traitional, M__ B__, she's ... / no / no g__ on here / not even black f__ / savage / come on. Just give me one / just get / I'm trying as hard as I can. I cannot / she's __ traditional, she's a woman / christmas cake / birthday cake, her muffin ... come on. She's a traditional woman, she's in her seventy's she's brought up ... / through the war ... come on / war / well / used to eat / order / cake / black f__ g__ / as a traitor / she wouldn't she's rock-solid. Come on, what / traditional cake / much money / sponge / you said that with such excitement / traditional cake / give you / give you / come on / what is the most basic kind of cake, especially, you know, when / cheaper / Fairy cake? / During the war, that's what people resorted to. / fairy cake / back / everyone / making fairy cakes / cheer them up / during / simple cake / children / fairy / a little elaborate / little things, little wings / on the top of / people / p__ cream during the war, mate. / hang / minute / little / come off / sponge cake / on it / I know what it is. / come on / I'm not gonna ... I mean / good solid / filling, just / nut loaf? / fruit cake / Fruit cake? / what else does she like, then? / Huh ... M__, / All right. / Chocolate cake / was that so difficult? / no / lemon drizzle / victoria sandwich / sponge for that / right / you said you can't avoid / avoid / N__ E__ / no. ... Another person / one more question / we'll have a track / M__ B__ and / other / him as well / question / nightmare quiz for me / you said / confront your fears / never forget his first what? / Food quiz. It's a food quiz. / Oh, OK. / 32 / still angry about it. / first one / Yeah. Uh ... he never forget his first / I give a quote / again / obviously / context / "When I was a toddler / still with my b__, I had my first ... rammed in my mouth. ... I've eaten a lot more since then, and each time, the first mouthful / evokes / love for my mother and father." Paul / never forget / first [ ] / Chocolate e__. / You can't ram / anything into a baby's mouth / abuse / r__? / No. / I guess he wouldn't have eaten / it evokes my childhood ... / same with / bottle feed / have it / brings back memories / gotta be something soft food / stew? / p__ / his mouth / producers / just came in / my ears / "Icecream?" / No. / in it, though / he / never forget his first / iced / though / Iced tea. / Iced b__, you __ / you're hopeless / food quiz

Cardiff / how far / how far / domestic cats range from their owner's house? / what the agenda is here / found a cat / I don't know / thoughts on that, Lloyd? / trouble / at the moment / you / what kind of trouble you're having? / well, they keep, uh, utilizing / toilet / business / I'v got that problem / It's not me / I bought / some anti-cat mixture / where did you get that? anti-cat mixture? / garden center / next / I think / ripped off 'cause / just g__ / I think / just g__ / open / anti-cat mixture / apparently not, but these ones do / enough of it / they / can't get enough of it / high-powered, um, water pistol / do it / shouldn't do that. / cruel, Lloyd / no, no / a couple of s__ / too many / I've always said that / option / things / they click every time / cat / like dogs? ... Clicking dogs? / a dog / that's / problem / water pistol is? / water pistol / scare-cat / or a tiger / No. A scare-cat / scare-crow, except the, uh, the, uh, / what's the difference? / make a person / put them in / person / would be scary to cat / you put ... you make a person / old tights and socks / balloon / and you make it / kind of person / cat wouldn't like / someone / dog's face. ... Yeah. / to me / garden / were-wolf / in the garden / sorted. ... Anyway, can you answer / also, I was / happening in your house in London? / Brist__ / something in Brist__ / buy the cat now / how / house / in Bristle / London / Also, I / gigging__ / over the weekend / after I left a pub / B&B by a kitten / against my legs / the wall / followed me for 20 minutes / trying / get / allowed in? / no / had to stop / stop / d__ / B&B / what time / 1 o'clock in the morning / didn't you take / walked / home / I couldn't / came / nowhere / out of nowhere / then / rub / against my legs / all / walk / your legs / trace / steps / lost / I'm sure / I don't even know if he was / someone's / one. ... But / incredibly friendly / would be / actually. Very cute little cat / Was it? / anybody / area / lost / if you have lost a kitten / last seen outside

Lloyd / cheaky cats / dirty protests / I too have / pungent / powerful water pistol / The only proven remedy / either / of your own / gonna solve it / don't decorate / keep / felines / come round. / Yeah / I like your idea / giant / wolf / even / all / fense / anti-cat spikes / you're welcome / no / do / horrible / no / no / vet all week / budget vets / hilari__-named / Newport / work / series five / autumn / cat / harm / over a fense / I don't know / anti-cat / know / upsetting / move on / nice story / help me cope / toy from / popular BBC / enough / OK. Calm down. / story / toy from / popular BBC / fetch / goes up / auction this month / Humpty Dumpty / fat green egg / charming / waist coat as well / He wasn't / tweed trousers / waist, just below his mouth / BBC show from 1964 until / 1988 / yeah / according to Auction House / original / for the program / three of them / fell off the wall / yeah, but / wall / famous / Humpty Dumpty / see, I ... it was a freekish / evil look / picture / cold, lifeless / all right / humble / is a killer / straight down the line ... wasn't she? / she was just / as well / didn't you / test __ g__ / dog / they / freak me out / scary / brain of kids / all across / scary / any kid / n't scared / lot of / weird dog. ... Don't you think? / Well, / confused / end / program / scary to / scared by, uh, Zelda from T__ / remember that / seen / was / she / very well / very / cake / listen / music / end of the show / next week, I'll be / here / kitchen / next / next / I don't know / performance / probably / you

whole show / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.